A Bowl Full of Crazy

I just landed this morning in London, back from my family obligation tour 2008. The most memorable part of the three week holiday was sitting behind the second craziest individual I have encountered on a plane. Well, maybe the third, the girl that literally thought she was a rabbit mid flight was far crazier but in a gentler way. (Clearly a blog entry about the really crazy passengers needs to be forthcoming)!

I was lucky enough to score a seat in First Class for my flight home, with a fabulous crew working the flight. I get on the plane and a loud woman is in my assigned seat. As she seems settled in, I agree to take her assigned seat to minimize hassle. This woman was really really loud on her mobile phone during boarding, and seemed really young and scruffy to sit in First class. Clearly she had family money as neither her looks pr personality had earned her the income to pay that much for a ticket, and she was too shabbily dressed to be a non- rev( airline employee).

I happily settled into (her) my new seat, which was actually better than the original one , but tragically behind Miss One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest. The crew should have known something was up when she said she wanted vodka for dinner. The next hint that the elevator did not go up to the top would have been RIGHT after takeoff when she started dancing in front of her seat, the kind of dancing you can only see Jay Kay doing in a Jamiroquai video circa 1998, or at a rave after ingesting large amounts of party drugs.

She drank a few drinks before dinner, then started calling the steward a fucking poof. Nice. She was also shrieking at the female crew member, calling her Mrs. She couldn't figure out how to get out of her seat without throwing all of her linens and plates on the floor, not could she figure out where the toilet was, ever. When she was cut off ( discretely, only my Bionic Woman hearing overheard this) the hell began.

Talking to herself about the crew in language that would make a sailor blush, throwing things, and intermittent dancing ensued,. When she was given her meal she tossed it into the galley as she could not wash it down with vodka. Mid flight she put her jacket on and seriously expected to be let off. I am sure were we on a 727 with air stairs they would have lowered them a la D.B. Cooper and let her off.

Finally she passed out in exhaustion, the crew were all honestly afraid to see what would happen when she woke up. Luckily not too much, other than bitching that she lost her iPod ( karma!) and snapped at the crew when they suggested she turn on her light to look for it.

We got an encore of her dancing stylings while we waited for a gate. While we waited at baggage claim,one of the other passengers witness to her antics asked me if she was a celebrity, but he thought not as she had a face like a smacked ass ( I love those British sayings!). We decided we got a little dinner theatre with the price of our tickets!

A Very Unphotogenic Holiday

I am in the middle of three weeks off. No glam travel destinations, frothy drink in hand, dipping my toe in a pool. No... I am at my brothers house on the first leg of the 'Family Obligation Tour 2008'. The brother that has twin babies and 2 dogs. Thrilling times, cleaning up dog poop, baby poop, walking dogs and feeding babies who would rather wear the food than eat it. I would not miss spending time with them for the world but there is not much to snap photos of here in suburbia, the only culture is a civil war battle site up the road. (Monocacy if you are curious).

At least my brother lives in the year 2008. My father lives in a town that has not changed since the Waltons and I can prove that with a photo of the school crossing sign where the children are wearing knee length shorts ( knickers?)

So the blog is a little quiet, not due to lack of interest but due to lack of excitement. When the flying returns, so will I!!!

The Worry Is Over

Each year, every flight attendant that works for a US carrier is required to go to emergency training. This is around 14 hours of computer, book work and hands on activity, in addition to testing our knowledge and proficiency in MANY areas. And I bet you though we just served coffee and tea and read magazines.....

Various facts are read and memorized, to be pulled out when you confront medical emergencies, fire on the aircraft, a decompression, a drunken passenger, etc. An INSANE amount of information is crammed into our heads , swimming around and hopefully accessed when the need arises.

Current facts running through my head are:

-the difference between moderate turbulence and moderate chop (chop is less than turbulence, but both will have rapid bumps or jolts).

-Fireworks are unacceptable as carry-on baggage. This would seem common sense but there is always one.....

-In an explosive decompression there will be dense fog in the cabin and your bodily gas will expand....

-There are 3 types of fire, flammable solid material, flammable liquid and electrical.

-If you are not breathing I will give you 2 rescue breaths followed by 30 chest compressions.

The test day itself is quite stressful, evacuating mock aircraft while shouting at top volume for passengers to release their seat belts and get out while inflating a life vest and checking if there is fire outside my exit door. We also have to perform CPR on a dummy and administer AED.But I did pass, so the worry is over until next April. Yay for me.

An Apt Job Description

It's hour six of eleven on the tarmac at John F. Kennedy International Airport. The toilet's overflowing, the temperature's rising faster than a July morning in Tempe and you're fresh out of Animal Crackers. You don't need us to tell you: You're not exactly manning the drink cart in the Golden Age of Aviation. I don't care how courteous or professional you are -- or how cool under pressure -- when livid passengers start organizing for a mutiny, you start to rethink signing on to JetBlue's New York to Orlando leg.
Maybe you're in it for the glamour (there's a Chili's Too in most major hubs). Maybe you draw great personal satisfaction from talking down passengers who are petrified because the guy sitting next to them is sporting a tan easily confused with a Middle Eastern complexion. Or maybe it's the perks, like free travel to Europe. Unless you work for American Airlines or Southwest Airlines, and your flight never gets off the ground.
Sure, watching commercial carriers disenfranchise passengers in new and exciting ways has become akin to sport, but the reality is you're the best part of the whole nightmare - the human face of the cold, calculated decision making process that just led U.S. Airways to introduce a surcharge on window seats. So keep your powder blue uniform crisp and your head held high. We need you up there.

This accurate job description is credited to Minyanville.

Downtown Los Angeles

It really is the city of angels!

The Back End of Switzerland

As I left Switzerland a 6 weeks ago, I really need to be done with this! I will be filing my taxes for 2005 after I post this, I am an equal opportunity procrastinator to be sure.....

The above photos is the always filled ashtray outside the Jelmoli department store. Clearly the Swiss have money to burn as they do not even finish their ciggies!! There is still a die hard cadre of smokers here, even Starbucks has a clever invention outside their shop, a metal square, hollow on the sides. You keep your drink below and your cig/ashtray on top,your hot drink is safe from ashes that way...

This is one of those twisty and steep streets in the Niederdorf section of town. Sobriety essential when negotiating these steps!!

This hand is above the door of a youth hostel in Zurich. It is there to remind you of the man above, and why the hostel is there.

You are never far from a cow or cow merchandise in Switzerland. I think this cow stayed behind when the tour of cows came through here years ago.

The Easter bunnies wear their national flag. I would find this offensive practically anywhere else, but the Swiss flag is so iconic it doesn't bother me here.

Getting to Zurich and my time was such a pleasure. leaving was a bi***. The day I had to travel to Garmisch-Partenkirchen , mother nature finally dumped snow here. Flight were cancelled in every direction. Swiss efficiency is amazing when things run according to plan, but they freak out when the unexpected happens. Over 50 flights cancelled and there were 4 agents to sort out hundreds of peoples problems. When you are travelling on a standby ticket, your woes are about as important to them as who won the elections in Zimbabwe. I slunk out to baggage claim and got my bag back. Several frantic phone calls to my friends house, they located a train I could take to get me to Garmisch with only one change. It even left from the airport ( if only US airports could have long distance train stations in airports!) in 5 hours. 5 hours to lug around my stuff. 1 meal, one grocery store visit, much fabulous people watching and one book shop visit later, the train came. 6 hour ride...

At least I was headed in the right direction. Until the train broke down. Then was fixed an hour later. Thank god for the expensive but lifesaving English language book from the bookstore, my iPod was running out of juice!! ( I do speak German but reading a paperback is somewhat headache inducing unless I am in the perfect surroundings).

Finally at 9 pm I arrived in Garmisch, ahead of my friends whose flights diverted or had luggage lost. To think I was worried about being the last to arrive!!

I

A Real Snow Day

Funny that my last post was titled Snow Day, as when I got home from my last trip it was snowing HARD in London. Considering it was in the 60s when I left town, I was ill prepared from the walk home from the tube station, heels and a skirt are not the best snow gear after all. This was literally the first accumulation I had seen in a decade of living in London. I charged up my camera batteries and took my post flight nap, excited to snap photos of beautiful snowy London when I woke up. HAH!! Gone, all melted by the time I woke up. At least I have my memories...