The Stewardess Monologues

This little monologue was written by a fellow stew several years ago. An ex PanAm-er, William Schrul works for the same carrier as I do, but he is sooo much funnier.


Flight Attendants are all the same. We deal with the same shit, just in a different uniform. We point to the same exits, we say the same things. Well, except for the occasional DELTA f/a who refers to the hot towels as "would you like a hot warsh rag fer yer face?"


Passengers: they're so sweet and innocent, like children. And sometimes you just wanna spank the shit out of them, but you don't for legal reasons. "All my friends who fly on AMERICAN get to hold their oversized luggage on their laps." Listen mister. As long as you're under my fuselage, you're gonna follow my rules. And I don't care what flight attendants let your friends do!
But sometimes they're completely unassuming, like first time flyers. You know the ones ... you're coming down the aisle with your beverage cart and they want to pay you a dollar for their coke, and you just have to say to them, "I can't take that dollar from you. It's two-fifty."


Let's talk about the seat belt sign for a minute, shall we? This mother-fucking thing! The minute it goes on they all jump out of their seats. I wish I could invent a p.a. system that could direct my announcements to any one seat or lavatory. Could you imagine? I would never leave my jumpseat! Let's say you have someone who goes into the bathroom after you've told them that the seat belt sign is on. Just go over to yourjumpseat panel and type in aft lavatory 3L, and make your desired announcement. "Attention! This is the toilet speaking! Get your fat ass off of me and get back to your seat! The seat belt sign is on! And I KNEW you dyed your hair!"


What about our more senior work force, these women who have been around since the flying boat. God love 'em. They'll never retire. And I've come up with an invention so that they'll never have to. It's called FLIGHT ATTENDS. No m! ore lagg ing services because senior Betty is in the can again. No more jumpseat accidents. Can you imagine that peeing-in-the-pool look on their faces when you ask them to pass you a 7UP?


Pregnant flight attendants: what a brilliant fucking idea! I tell you, if I were a woman I'd buy a maternity dress and have it with me at all times. As soon as I was on the plane I would slip it on and stuff myself so I would look about 8.5 months pregnant. I bet no one fucks with you! "Sir, we're out of the chicken, but I have the lasagna." He would go to open his mouth to say something, as they always do, and I would just start moaning andgrabbing my stomach, "oh, I think my water just broke." You'd be invincible, they'd all be in the palm of your hands, because believe me, nobody wants to be responsible for killing your baby. I'm so jealous.


I just love it when passengers get on the plane and they all look in the cockpit. Wouldn't it be great if the pilots were sitting in there, one reading a book titled "SO YOU WANT TO FLY?", and the other holding a broken switch in his hand with a look of confusion on his face? And they always have something stupid to say. "Hope they're not tired." "Hope they find the way to Miami." Oh, fuck you! And then there's the parents who wanna thrust their children on up there. "Oh honey look. Look at the Captain. Look atall those switches. Go say hi. Go say hello, Ashley. Go on." Notice how they could give a fuck about us, never asking us to take their picture in the galley while they pose next to the coffee maker? And it's the same thing when they're leaving. "Thanks, great flight!" they say to the pilots, who did nothing but make annoying announcements the whole time. We're the ones who supplied them with peanuts and carbonated beverages which give them rancid gas, bad enough to bring the masks down. I swear, sometimes Iget so frustrated I point to the wrong exits just out of spite.


And now there's free movies on the flights. It's so unfair. There's a group of us! that have had to file bankruptcy. Oh, don't act so shocked! Did you actually think that any of that money was actually turned in to the company? Those movies and drinks have always been free in economy! The flight attendants all got together in one of our annual meetings and decided, "they're in economy, no one will ever know the difference-- let's charge them and keep the money."


And speaking of our meetings, we're always coming up with something new. Last time we were all there to honor the flight attendant who came up with the seat backs and tray tables "up for landing" idea. Brilliant! And it serves no purpose! We just got together and thought it would be funny. We're just control freaks who like to impose made up rules! And taxiing into the gate. Why is it that everybody has to get their bags out into the aisle and get into that half-seated, half-in-the-sprinting position like they're gonna run a race? We're moving and some people even start to get up ... excuse me, we're not even at the gate yet! Where are you gonna go to? It's times like these that I wish I had an emergency brake located by my jumpseat. The kind like they have on the subway. I would pull that mother fucker and we would screech to such a stop, I swear to God, people would be flying out the cockpit window. But the unfortunate thing is that Boeing and Airbus don't ask for flight attendant input.


Frequent Fliers: why can everything be justified by how many miles they have? "Sir, you simply cannot be smacking around a flight attendant like that. You can't. Oh? Super Gold status? Yes, well ... that IS a lot of miles. You certainly can slap a flight attendant, sir. Yes, you can. Here, let me get you another one, you can slap two of them with that kind of mileage." I think that if you cut their frequent flyer card in half it would be more devastating to them than if the plane went down.


I just love it when you come down the aisle and they all have their headphones on. I don't even talk anymore, I just! move my lips. Why waste my breath when they don't even take them off to hear what I'm saying? Okay, I'm standing in front of you with a beverage cart, what the fuck do you think I'm asking you? "Would you like your pap smear before or after dinner ma'am?" And then they scream really loudly, "What?!? What?!?" So to get back at people, I now wear my Walkman while on the cart. I get to their row and I just scream, "What would you like to drink?!? What?!? What?!? I can't hear you!!!"


We're always in the media. "Flight Attendant confessions on the next Maury," "Flight Attendants who point to the exits with their middle fingers," "Flight Attendants admit doing the safety demo wrong on purpose, on the next Sally." Oprah's newest book club selection: "When Bad Passengers Happen to Good Flight Attendants." The new Learning Annex seminar: "Flight Attendants are from Mars, Passengers are from Hell."


I just love it when passengers think they're gonna get me fired. "I want your name. I WANT YOUR NAME!" I just point to my serving jacket and say, "Sir, my parents were also in the service industry, and FUCK YOU ASSHOLE is my name."


Family: every year at Thanksgiving it's the same thing. "So, you're still with the airlines?" No. I just thought I'd quit one day and work nine-to-five, five days a week in some office! Like this is a hobby or something! And what's with this "the airlines" shit? I work for ONEAIRLINE, not ALL of them! "Well, I am usually with UNITED, but last week Air France called me, and you know the French, I just couldn't say no. Next thing I know, I'm on the Concord to Paris!" And God forbid there's an accident. My mother will get so many calls. "Oh my God, I hope he's okay." That was a Russian Airline. He works for United. "Well, we know he's with THE AIRLINES, so we weren't sure. Are you sure he wasn't on it?"

Written by William Schrul, copyright 2000