07 January 2011

A Roundtrip to Crazy and Back, aka the Naughty Photos , the Tooth and the Tiny Terror

What a round trip. 16 hours of flying had the drama of a months worth of flying for most people. I had to let this trip settle for a week before I could document it. I thought it might look a wee bit less crazy upon re-examination, but it only looks worse...

One of our French stewards, who shall remain nameless, had an admirer on our flight to the states. Said steward is married, a bit paunchy and not the slick gent many of his countrymen are. He is shy, nervous and frankly creeps out many of his female coworkers as he draws rather filthy comics obsessively. Of the 6 men of the crew that day, he would be my last choice for an inflight crush.

A Turkish woman on the flight developed a sweet spot for him. Somehow she got up her nerve and approached him in the galley between services. Before the pre-landing service it had progressed to the Turk running her hands up and down his chest murmuring how she wanted to kiss and hold him. Bold words indeed in front of an audience...

Somehow he managed to pull out a nugget of that Gallic charm and said as he did not have a camera he would have to take a photograph of her with his eyes. Moment later she presented him with an array of PG-13 Boudoir photographs. I would not have believed him had he not shared them with the whole crew.

He was wondering how he got so lucky, I was wondering who in the hell carries an assortment of saucy photographs to hand out like candy?

As we left the aircraft and wandered towards passport control, the Turkish temptress was waiting for him. Somehow she wangled the name of the hotel we were staying in out of him. She was traveling to Orlando, so luckily for his marriage a meeting could not be set up. On the bus to the hotel the crew begged him to make sure his hot tempered Moroccan wife would not find the pics, she would kill him. The girls on the crew were horrified at what he was contemplating, the guys were hysterical with laughter.

A late evening of phone sex apparently ensued, and I imagine she gave him enough inspiration to crank out another half dozen of his comics.

The flight back we had a two fronted assault of insanity. The first passengers to board were a woman and her wheelchair bound mother. The daughter thought it was not necessary before getting to the aircraft door to tell us her mother could not walk . (Note to anyone traveling with a wheelchair bound companion, this is VERY important).

So after a brief delay waiting for the wheelchair attendants to get the aisle chair, and bring the elderly woman to her seat, the daughter starts screaming. The gate agents had thoughtfully upgraded the 2 ladies to the premium economy section to give them more leg room, and given then a row to themselves. Daughter decided she anted her mother in the exit row, which does have more legroom, but it would literally be breaking an FAA regulation (law) to do so.

When the steward pointed out that sadly it was not possible, but with the row to themselves they should be very comfortable the daughter started shrieking "You are killing my mother!" so loudly I could hear it in First Class.

Daughter dearest demanded that her mother sit in the exit row, law or no. When the crew member tried to point just how unable to sit there her mother was by going over the abilities required on the safety card, she said her mother could do all them.

Finally the daughter shoved her hand at the crew member and told him "Get out of my face!!" Not a wise move, ever. The customer service was called on the plane, and she gave them full attitude as well, so the cops were called. The tiny terror gave the cops more attitude and told them to go away. Oh they went away, carrying her with them. She made herself deadweight, like a no nukes protestor. She clutched onto each headrest as she was pulled a row forward, screaming all the way.

I was a bit suprised no cameras were out, for this would be a classic YouTube moment. Her legs were kicking and flying as she was brought to the front of the plane, and her mother taken off. As the door of the aircraft closed, you could hear a guttural "NOOOOOOO!!!!"

If only the drama ended there. The passengers were , not suprisingly, unusually docile for the rest of the flight. It was only the pursers dead tooth that caused the remaining drama. The purser is a Triathelete, very physically fit and proud of his toughness. His dead tooth and dying tooth nerve caused him to curl up and start crying. Never a pretty thing to see.

We called for a doctor or dentist, and they determined nothing in our medical kit would alleviate the pain. He was put on sick leave for the flight, and we were all offering our home remedies for pain, including sucking down a copious amount of Cognac. One passenger offered forth their supply of "Purser's Little Helpers" and he was off in lala land for the duration of the flight. When he didn't wake in pain and down some more. We drew straws to see who would escort him to his commuter flight home, to make sure he didn't fall asleep on the cool tile floor off the terminal floor, which would seem perfectly reasonable in his state. He made it home safely, his parents collecting him at the other end.

I slept a really long time after that trip...


Blondie said...

OMG! Love this post! And glad you guys had the lady taken off the plane. I fly with some Pursers who go out of their way to accommodate people like that and it is never a good thing.

Funny stuff, Heather...since it was YOUR trip and not mine!!

Happy New Year!

Heather said...

If this is not proof positive I am a magnet for kooks and medical emergencies, I don't know what is. Wait I do... my next flight we had to call a doctor for FIVE different people.

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