Every Crew Members Theme Song

Some Gentle Instructions

Dear Passenger, Here are a few tips for successful use of the airplane toilet and its many amenities. 

The drawer above is where you find supplies for ladies as well as ill passengers. It is NOT a place to put used tissues, toilet paper, or hair pulled from your hairbrush. It is clearly labeled no matter the airline or aircraft. Bottom line, if you see unused supplies in a drawer, on a shelf, or behind a door, do not place used items there.



Behold the waste container above. Yes there is a red X on it, but upon examination you will see that applies to cigarettes only. ONLY. This is where all the refuse I see in the container above really needs to go. 

Below you will see a magic button which will whisk away any solids or liquids you leave behind in the toilet on the plane. Gentlemen, do not be afraid, PLEASE push it. If I had a dollar for the amount of times I have entered the toilet after a pilot, or male passenger and there is a sample for me, well, I would be a passenger in first class rather than serving that cabin. I am not familiar with a urinal, but this piece of equipment does need to be flushed. I and the passengers using the toilets after you thank you profusely.

                                                 

Crime Doesn't Pay, or Buy a One Way Ticket

Dear 25E,

When the captain told us that we had a passenger that was going to be met by the authorities, we wouldn't have guessed it was you. Your only crime seemed to be poor fashion choices, you were certainly polite enough.

We were assigned a remote stand (not a gate with a jetway) and on the airstairs were 6 of Heathrow Police's finest ( the blonde in particular). We were able to have everyone stay seated under the guise of a passenger needing assistance off the plane. Boy were you shocked that it was you, I imagine your girlfriend was too.

I am certain you have learned either to show up for your court appearances for theft to prevent this happening in the future, or to only buy one way tickets out of the country. Big brother really is watching and knows if we have been naughty or nice!

Ch-ch-ch-changes!!!

I am moving!! Not my blog, but actually me. My transfer was awarded to our Frankfurt base, after 7 years of waiting. Of course this is awarded after I moved back from Germany and broke up with the German guy, but my timing has never been great.

I was panicking as I accepted the transfer in the computer. BIG deal after living in England for the bulk of my flying career, I feel like I am changing schools. At least I do not have to worry about what to wear on the first day! 

Never did I think I would leave London but I really need a change and also, FICA. The social tax of the US which I have not been contributing to for a few years (this is British law). I need to be fiscally responsible for once and not let fun interfere with my old age, after all, who really wants to have to eat cat food like they joke about? 

The minuses- I LOVE the crews based in London. Well not all of them (you know who you are..) but at least knowing who they are allows me to selectively choose to work in the cabin they will not be in.  I also love London. I will never stop seeing things I have not seen before, finding new restaurants , museums, statues, etc.  The bulk of my friends are here.

The pluses- Frankfurt is far cheaper than London. Flying in and out of London as a passenger is going to soon be an extravagance thanks to the departure taxes. Lufthansa offers us dirt cheap standby tickets, so it will be affordable to pop over to a neighboring country to visit for a few days. The ability to pay US taxes again , as well as FICA (never did I think I would list that as a plus in any context!)

So my flying career out of Heathrow will conclude July 31st. I am incredible excited, scared , sad and happy at the same time. Change is good, right? 

Member of the Board...Really??

I recently had a member of the board if directors of my airline on my flight, travelling with his family. Confirmed first class travel is one of the many perks bestowed on members of the board, probably common among all airlines. These board members are usually CEOs of their own companies, who, in my eyes, rubber stamp pay rises for other CEOs. Still, I expected he and his family to be reasonable well mannered and have a modicum of etiquette. Boy was I wrong.

I imagined the CEO of a company would have a wife who dressed according to her position. Silly me, maybe a bedazzled  hot pink tank top and stretch pants does match her position. The son in jeans , scruffy shirt was not much better. Maybe the outfits would not bother me so much, I see things like that in first class, but the fact that I as an actual employee has to dress to a certain standard, heck even our CEO has to adhere to this dress code, but this idiots family does not, is what rankled a bit.

The behavior was even better. SHOUTING to get the crews attention. This when in the first class cabin you are really never more that 10 feet away from any given passenger, and we are working in a front to back fashion. Shouting that your wife wants breakfast, at 5 am, is this really necessary?  Getting up when the seat belt sign is on, 'smuggling' back food and drink to the few family members travelling in business class ( the poor souls) and throwing your used Kleenexes on the floor ( all 20 plus of them). Seriously, this is how a CEO behaves? No wonder your company is in the crapper Mr X. (For the curious, his company name is the same as where you would have found an oracle in ancient Greece, and a temple too).

13D Where are you?

I meant to blog about Cozumel tonight on my layover. But I cursed myself with my wishes for crazy passengers of my flight to blog about, cause boy oh boy did I get one. I need to preface this by explaining that the mentally ill are drawn to me on the plane like moths to a flame. Ask the girl who thought she was a rabbit and hopped around the economy cabin then wanted to eat lettuce and carrots. Or the man who was convinced we had stopped flying and we needed to admit we were hovering, before he proceeded to eat the inflight magazine.

Poor 13D. His wig alone would have made him stand out. A full head of hair that was clearly not his original color perched atop a hairless , browless head. But his tenuous grasp on reality made him stand out far more. He appeared in the galley telling a crew member people were attacking him and he wanted to file lawsuits. Then disappeared. Then reappeared with a 'limp' arm saying one of the crew had shoved him to the ground. Then nearly pulled the lavatory door off the hinges trying to push a pull door.

I was sent to deal with him (there was only 1 passenger in First Class, I wasn't busy) and try to assess his level of crazy. Not that I have any training in this, was just the only one not tired of him by then. Tried to get him to sit down with the offer of a drink. He said 'they' were watching his seat. So offered to move him to an empty area of business class, and have a cup of coffee or tea. He didn't know 'who he could trust'. So offered him a sealed bottle of water and/or a closed can of soda.  Explained he was suing everyone on the plane. When I got him to sit, he kept his tray table at a 90 degree angle to keep the Nazis away. Think of how soon WWII could have ended, if that was all it took !

He could not determine if he had a green card or not, for the immigration paperwork. Explained he was going to Reno for a conference ( dying to know for what). When last we left him, he was scratching his head over the address he was headed to. I hope some family met him wherever he was going, and man, did my post flight happy hour mojito go down a treat after this flight. I need a rest!!

Back...with a vengance??

Okay, It HAS been a really long time. Sorry dear reader... During my time way I went snowboarding in the Arctic Circle, crossed the Atlantic 8 times in 12 days, went snowboarding in Crested Butte. Colorado, had a few hot dates and was temporarily distracted by Mafia Wars on Facebook.

The photos from the cruise in...um...February will be up tomorrow. It will be a little longer for the Sweden photos as I cleverly removed my camera from my Mac before all were downloaded and corrupted the photo files. All 200 photos. Working on restoring them....If any Mac junkies have suggestions, all I can seem to find are programs for PCs...

I have been reading Julie & Julia which details the authors quest to cook all of one of Julia Childs cookbook 's recipes in a year and blog about it. Each page made me feel guiltier about not updating mine! So hopefully the coming weeks will have flights chock full of kooky passengers, crew members and fun layovers to document.  The hot dates will NOT be documented as I have found out one of my readers is my brother . See you tomorrow!!